Season One, Episode Nine: Prime Factors

It’s Gossip Girl meets Voyager as B’Elanna and Sesca try to determine whether Harry Kim is sleeping with one of the vaunted Delaney sisters. This being Voyager, B’Elanna just asks Harry by yelling at him from across the cafeteria. He protests feebly that nothing happened on their holodeck trip to Venice. Except that he accidentally fell off the gondola. Everybody laughs at him. Even Janeway. She’s happy because both crews are finally bonding over the common ground of mocking Ensign Kim.

This merriment is interrupted by a distress call, and everyone goes to the bridge. The distress call is coming from a guy with a French accent who tells them that he’s not in distress; Voyager is.

lol u mad bro?

Because Janeway’s not an asshole, she invites him aboard the ship, where he introduces himself as Gak (I think) and offers to make lunch and thereby pisses off Neelix. I’m liking this guy already. He offers them a chance to get off the ship and take a vacation on his home planet, Sicaris (I don’t know how to spell it and I’m not looking it up because I waste enough time doing this already).

So everybody gets off the ship and Janeway does some shopping, although she’d rather “organize teams to collect seeds and plants.” I bet she’s really fun to party with. Harry flirts with a girl playing some kind of aeronautic space harp that tells the weather forecast.

He's thinking: Ohmygod a girl is touching me whatdoIdowhatdoIdo"

Everybody seems to be having a good time. Especially Harry. The girl he was flirting with is impressed by his stories. Like, really impressed. She tells him she can take him to a private place where he can “tell her all his stories.” Then she teleports him to another planet. While trying not to cream his pants, Harry realizes that the planet she’s taken him to is over 40,000 light years away from where they were.

Must...remember...math...

Harry runs back to tell Janeway about the technology that transported them there. It operates on “space folding,” and Janeway wants to know if they can use the technology to get them closer to home. Turns out, the one thing these super-hospitable aliens won’t share is their technology.

Harry thinks he could bargain with them by sharing all of Voyager’s “stories.” Janeway tries to sweet-talk Gak the magistrate over some pecan pie. Gak agrees to try to talk to the other magistrates.

Nobody says "literature" like Janeway when she wants something

Meanwhile, B’Elanna and her team go behind Janeway’s back to try to figure out how the space-folder works, and Harry’s new girlfriend takes him to a secret meeting. Like a back-alley drug deal, some of the Sicariis want to make a trade with Harry – the trajector matrix in exchange for stories. They tell him Gak won’t come through, and this is the only way he’ll ever get 40,000 miles closer to home.

I like how the chick is standing lookout. Voyager's big on authenticity.

Of course Harry tells Janeway, and now we’re faced with the show’s usual moral dilemma. Principles or practicality? When Gak proves less than helpful, Janeway’s insistence annoys him and he asks them to leave immediately. It’s not looking too good for Voyager.

B’Elanna and Sesca decide to go behind Janeway’s back and make the trade with the drug dealer. Except Tuvok walks in on them. Awkward. Only – Tuvok wants to be the one to do the dirty deed.

From some technobabble, we learn that the trajector relies on the planet itself to work, which means if they leave orbit, the device is useless.

Sesca has a great "ohhhh shit" face

They try the device anyway and it almost causes a warp core breach. Awkward. B’Elanna has to destory the matrix with her phaser to save the ship. B’Elanna puts on her stoic face and admits to Janeway that she was bad. Tuvok puts on his regular everyday face and admits that he was also bad. They both get a lecture from Janeway, but Tuvok gets off easy because he tells Janeway he did it to save her the ethical dilemma. The End.

It's okay, Janeway. At least the Doctor wasn't in this episode!

Cheesy dialogue award: “You are hostile and vicious and will infect the joyousness of our lives.”

W.T.F. Award:

W.T.F.? Are they meeting in the lobby of the Honolulu Hilton?