Season 1, Episode 1: The Caretaker, Part Two

We start with Janeway blogging about finding a ship in a debris field. The ship contains Neelix. Neelix contains knowledge about the dude who abducted them. The Okampa call him the Caretaker, and he has been beaming in random ships and stealing their crew members thousands…maybe hundreds…well, no, maybe like fifty times in the last few months. Neelix is willing to help Janeway if she’ll pay him with…water. He drives a hard bargain, that Neelix.

Meanwhile, B’Elanna wakes up in the Mayo Clinic and starts fighting with Harry, whom she calls “Starfleet.” They are interrupted by an Okampa, who takes them out for a look around the city. He tells them that the Caretaker has been…well, taking care of them in their subterranean society for hundreds of generations. He also tells them, “BTW, you’re probably going to die from this disease. That’s why the Caretaker sent you here.” So that’s good to know.

Neelix is being super helpful

After a smorgasboard and a bubble bath, Neelix takes Janeway & Co. to the surface of the Okampa planet to rescue Harry and B’Elanna. First they have to sweet-talk some other aliens, the Kazon, with more water. After seeing the containers of water Janeway beams down from the ship, the Kazon chief practically wants to have her babies. I guess you could say he was floored by Janeway’s jugs. (I’m sorry. I had to).

They have never seen a Nalgene before

Anyway, while they’re there Neelix tries to bargain for an Okampa slave girl. When the Kazon are not having it, Neelix pulls out his phaser and shit gets tense for a minute before Voyager beams everybody back. Neelix reveals that the Okampa is actually his girlfriend, Kes, and that she escaped from the Okampa underworld through a secret tunnel that probably doesn’t exist anymore. Around then the Doctor gets uppity to Janeway so she turns him off. Kes offers to take them back to her planet to try to get their missing crew members back.

Harry and B’Elanna are busy trying to find a secret tunnel of their own. And no, that is not a euphemism. But Harry is holding them back because he’s whining about he trained for Starfleet his whole life and now he’s going to die on his very first mission.

Kes leads the Voyager crew to the Central Clinic when everybody notices that the energy pulses from the Caretaker’s array are getting faster.

The Central Clinic looks a lot like Neiman Marcus

Then the array starts firing a weapon to seal the energy conduits (whatever that means) and Tuvok decides this means that the Caretaker is getting ready to croak. Things start getting crazy. Voyager can’t beam out the away team. Tom and Neelix find Harry and B’Elanna and everybody starts racing towards the breach in the security barrier.

Tom, Neelix, Kes, Harry, and B’Elanna make it to the surface. Tom and Neelix go back to help Janeway, Tuvok, and Chakotay, who now has a broken leg. Tom saves his life. Yada yada. This is actually super boring for an action sequence. Just a dude carrying another dude.

Back on the ship everybody’s fine and the mysterious disease that was going to kill Harry and B’Elanna has magically gone away. But the Kazon don’t want to let Voyager leave because they can’t stand the thought of losing Janeway and her precious jugs…of water.

Janeway goes to talk to the Caretaker again. He reveals to her that his species was toying around with their technology and did the equivalent of sending a baseball through the club house window to the Okampa planet. He’s been pulling ships and stealing people because he’s trying to find a mate, who can give him a kid, who can keep caring for the Okampa after he dies.

Nobody ever told me about Match.com

The Kazon start attacking Voyager. They seem pretty advanced for a civilization that doesn’t know how to make liquid. Chakotay drives his ship into the Kazon ship to save the day. The Caretaker tells Janeway he’s already in self-destruct mode. He tells Janeway she must not let the Kazon get control of the array. Then he dies. It’s undramatic.

His body looks like what you pull out of a lint trap

Janeway realizes that if she uses the array to get Voyager back home, she’ll be dooming an entire race. So she blows it up, thus dooming her ship and crew to a 75+year trip back home. But it’s all good because Chakotay is first officer and Tom is the pilot and Neelix and Kes are tagging along. There are seven seasons of fun ahead, you guys. Are you excited yet?

Tuvok is not excited

Ridiculous Line Award: “On the other hand, if I save your butt, your life belongs to me. Isn’t that some sort of Indian custom?”

W.T.F. Award:

W.T.F. is up with that turtleneck?

Body Count: 1. The Caretaker.

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Season 1, Episode 1: Caretaker, Pt. 1

Voyager is for real channeling Star Wars at the beginning of this, complete with text scrolling up the screen and a space battle with lasers. Tuvok and the Maquis (band name, anyone?) get caught by a “massive displacement wave” (on second thought, that’s a much cooler band name) and the screen fades to white. After the opening credits we descend upon the Federation Penal Settlement (band name #3) where Tom Paris is looking pretty hot. No wonder Janeway wants him to tag along to find the Maquis ship.

Janeway is rocking a severe bun:

Girlfriend's gotta use a ton of hairspray

It’s also Harry Kim’s first day of work, and in true Harry Kim style, he gets himself into trouble 3 seconds after he appears on screen by pissing off a Ferengi. Paris sweeps in and saves his ass, and now they’re BFFs. Man-style.

Janeway is Skyping with her boyfriend and we learn that she has a pregnant dog. Harry shits his pants when he sees the bridge. We see some new characters who are shortly going to die so they can be replaced by bigger actors. And they’re underway.

It's like the Ferrari of spaceships

Tom and Harry have the first crisis of their budding bro-ship when Harry learns that Tom lied about killing a couple of his colleagues and then got caught aiding the Maquis. But Harry decides that other people don’t get to choose his friends. He’s a big boy now. And saving Harry from buying some overpriced Ferengi trinket > manslaughter.

Voyager gets sucked into the same displacement wave that caught the Maquis ship. We can tell that it’s bad because of what happens to Janeway’s hair.

Utter devastation

Also, some people are dead and there’s a fire in sick bay and the warp core might explode. Amidst all this chaos Janeway somehow finds the time to get her hair back into a perfect bun. That was probably part of her Captain test. We get to meet the Doctor for the first time, too. Then shit gets seriously crazy because everybody gets transported to a farm in Iowa and Walt Disney’s grandmother offers them lemonade and sugar cookies.

Ya'll have some cookies!

Paris kinda wants one

All the neighbors come for the “Welcoming Bee.” There’s a dude playing a banjo. There’s dancing. There’s a big friendly dog. This is Lawrence Welk’s wet dream. Tom and Harry discover some weird readings in a barn and turns out there’s an alien passageway in the back of it. Or it could be that weird tunnel in the Detroit Airport. Either way it’s somewhere they don’t want to be.

This way to Terminal E

B’Elanna, Chakotay, Tuvok, and inexplicably, Harry, are suspended in a weird medical laboratory having painful tests done on them and the rest of the crew gets to go back to Voyager. This begins my theory of Ensign Kim. The theory is pretty much that if something is going to get f*cked up, nine times out of ten it’s going to happen to Harry Kim.

Chakotay and Janeway decide to work together to get Harry and B’Elanna back (it’s never explained how Tuvok and Chakotay are suddenly OK and not in the Detroit Airport anymore). Tuvok’s like, “Oh, BTW, I was a Federation spy this whole time, NBD” but it doesn’t really matter now because clearly some more important shit is going down.

Chakotay, Paris, and Janeway go back to Grandma Disney’s house to try to figure out what the hell is going on. They interrogate the old banjo player.

This image sets the bar for weirdness in future episodes.

He’s grumpy and says they can’t give him what he wants and sends them back to the ship. Meanwhile, Harry wakes up in the Mayo clinic with disgusting lesions all over his body. So does B’Elanna, but she’s more angry about it and punches all the doctors.

Janeway is feeling guilty because Harry’s mom asked her if he could bring his clarinet and now she’s gone and lost her only son. We learn that Harry went to Juilliard. Good to know Juilliard is still around several centuries from now.

SO here’s the cliffhanger: What’s Janeway going to do? Where are Harry and B’Elanna and what’s going to happen to them? Who IS the old man with the banjo?

Technobabble Award: “What’s the warp core pressure?”

“21oo kilopascals.”

“Lock down the magnetic constrictors!”

“If we lock them down, we might not be able to re-initialize the dilithium reaction!”

Most Ridiculous Line Award: “Do you always fly at women at warp speed, Mr. Paris?”

“Only when they’re in visual range.”

W.T.F. Award:

WTF is that thing?

BODY COUNT: at least 5 ( first officer, head of engineering, doctor, nurse, and pilot) but it’s okay because we never got to know them and they’re going to be replaced.