Season 1, Episode 5: The Cloud

Janeway blogs about how hard her job is in light of the fact that she’s basically doomed her crew to wandering in space for the rest of their lives. She decides to fix it by talking to the crew more. It’s awkward. Also, Neelix won’t give her coffee. He’s such a bitch.

When Janeway tells Chakotay about her worries, he tells her that he relaxes by talking to animals. Yes, animals. Spirit guides. Janeway wants to learn how. Chakotay offers to teach her. Meanwhile, the ship is traveling into a nebula that might have particles they can use for energy. Harry geeks out and says he’s never seen anything like it before and Tuvok shoots him down.

Hey, Harry. Your noob is showing.

An energy barrier prevents them from getting to their particles. When they barrel through it, Janeway asks Tuvok what he sees, and he tells her he’s never seen anything like it before.

Tuvok is such an asshole sometimes

Whatever the hell is in the nebula starts bombarding the ship and draining it off its energy. They have to blast themselves out of it with a torpedo.

Paris wakes Harry from sleep to see something and as they are walking down the corridors Harry tells Paris that he wears a sleep mask because it reminds him of being in the womb. Their conversation needs to be shared:

Paris: Harry, in order to be reminded of something you have to -”

Harry: I remember being in my mother’s womb. I do. (Pause). So, what is it you have to show me?

Paris: Nothing that’s going to compare to that memory of your mother’s womb.

What Paris has to show him is a holodeck program modeled after a French bistro. We learn that Paris has probably had a threesome and that wine gives Harry acid reflux. They play pool. It’s riveting.

"Gee, Tom, thanks for teaching me how to be a baller."

Elsewhere, Chakotay starts teaching Janeway how to contact her spirit animal. They do a guided meditation together and she discovers that her spirit animal is a gecko.

He is going to help her save money on her car insurance

They get interrupted by B’Elanna, who informs them that this nebula is actually alive. They try to analyze it to figure out if they harmed it. The Doctor gets uppity so Janeway mutes him. Ten points for Janeway. They decide to go back into the nebula to fix the damage they did. Neelix is not happy about this, because he’s annoying, so he goes to whine to Janeway about taking unnecessary risks. She dresses him down. Ten more points for Janeway.

They go back into the nebula. They get caught in the creature’s natural defense systems and briefly lose control of the ship.

If Harry really does remember being in the womb, he would not have said he'd never seen anything like this before.

They get into the creature’s circulatory system to “surf back” to the wound they entered from. Neelix shows up on the bridge with food to whine some more. He’s appointed himself morale officer.

The Doctor suggests that they “suture” the wound by using the ship’s energy to stimulate the creature’s natural healing process. They distract it with a “microprobe” so they can get into the wound. They fix it. Voyager still needs fuel. Everybody goes to Paris’s bar to hang out, including Janeway. The end.

Tuvok hopes they fire the guy who wrote this script

Best Line Award: “Ive never kissed anyone inside a nebula before.”

W.T.F. Award:

W.T.F. is Chakotay's medicine bundle made of?